some step are harder than other

Today was good in the sense that doctor told us that they might remove the ventilator and her tubes tomorrrow we were so happy my sister and I but my mom was really discourage we could see it in the past day but today she was more awake than usually the discouragement was palpable. A few time she was looking us directly into our eyes and just stop breathing for a few second. My sister and I come to the conclusion that it was time we come clean with her and tell her that if she want to quite the fight it is ok we understand but if she keep fighting she have to do it for herself. My mom is always a quiter she is not a fighter, she get discourage a very little thing and this is a huge battle for her. She was reallyskinny before and now she is skinnier. When it was my time to talk to her I explain everything how she is the best mom and that I am not upset at her for the type of childhood I had and that if she want a go its ok becaused when we were asking her if she want to keep fighter she was doing no with her head. After all that I said well if you decide to fight for yourself tomorrow is the day they will remove the tubing in your mom you should have seen the smile she made I couldn't believe my eye she was laughting of joy and at that time she took all her strengh to bring her head where I was so I can kiss her. I felt better. Now I keep my finger cross so she can pass thru the night and that they remove all tubing in her mouth. I love you maman!!!!!

little progress

In the last week we haven't had one good new. It was a bad new after the other. My mom went under surgery to have a valve and arteries replace with new one since there was a huge blockage. She was put on a ventilator on the 18th, and then they told us a bunch of bad news, that one she had other arteries blockage, her lung are really sick and that she got a bacterie that stop the medications to do their work. On top of that she was having panick attach quite often during the day and night. For 2 days we've stop going in her room becaused everytime she was feeling a movement in room she was getting these panick attack again. Doctor keep changing the anxiety medication to find the right one that will make her more relax. Yesterday was a better day, they reduce the ventilator so she can breath on her own, so every breath she take its her taking them if she need to be assist then the machine wil do it. She react well to this new step. They also say that when they listen to her lung its better, she is not out of the wood yet but she improve bit by bit. We were also able to enter in her room without putting her in distress. I was happy to be at her bedside her blood was going high but as high in the past days, and I was able to calm her down. At one point I tought she was sleeping and was getting ready to leave that she started lifting up her head in search for me so it was nice to see her following me with her eyes until I reach her bed. I love her so much and realised I much in need her in my life. Its sad that it take a moment like that to realise this.

what a mistake I've made

A few weeks back I had delete my blog and realised right after doing it that, that was a really dumb and stupid mistake. I guess I was getting discourage to open my heart in my blog and no one reply to it. In the mean time I really hurt my friend who had design my blog for me and that wasn't the idea at all, doing the step I've done, I haven't think about anything else then myself. My blog was more a journal to me and realise that either way if people reply or not I need the blog for myself. I wish I could have retrieved my old blog without the text to make this fresh but unfortunatly that is not possible. I am so sorry that i have hurt a really good friend.

my mom update

Hi everyone its been a while i haven't given any update on my mom status and since you have prayed for her I owe that to you all. The past couple of days have been really hard. My mom was intubated on Thursday becaused her saturation (oxigene in her heart) was going to low or ever not going at all so there was really stressful moment at first with the intubation she wasn't breathing by herself at all just to give her some rest but now the ventilator take 18 breath for her and with the help of the ventilator she take 3-5 breath on her own which is not to bad, they also lower the amount of oxigene they give at first it was 60% and now its 35%. She is completly sedated so she sleep most of the time. On the first to days they also paralyse all her muscles in her body so she can stop the ventilator to do they job, it was really hard to see her like that. We were talking to her and she was moving her eyebrown to our voice. The day after she was a little more awake so she was responding yes or no with her head, sad thing is that even with her eyes open she couldn.t see us at all, becaused of all the medication I presume. SInce then we had bad new after the other, her lung have a cronic disease that most smoker have which mean that she might need oxigene most of herthe rest of her life, she also have other atheries blockage from one side of her shoulder down to her heart, and now she is also struggling with diabetese and since sunday they discover that she have a new bactery call sarm what that bactery do in her case is that its obstruct the medication to do is job and becaused of that they have to give her prescription for this bactery and find a new dosage for all the rest of her medication. SO she is supposed to be on the ventilator until at least wednesday or Thursday.I had a little issue with my sister, my mom in law wanted to come and pray for our mom to be healed and she complitely refuse that we went in the room praying GOD, since my familly, my uncle and aunt all believed in the saint and dead people, telling me that in the last resource if its not going better we will ask HIM to heal her. I keep it short but let her know that the saint and dead people can,t heal , the only one who can heal is GOD. IF the saint can hear us they will go to GOD to ask healing but why as children of GOD we don't go directly to him asking it ourself. What hurt me in this is that they bring all type of idols and attach it to her for the healing and I can't pray the only one true GOD. SO this is another prayer request they their heart can be open to hear GOD voice and let him do is job. Please pray that she can stay calm and peace in her heart becaused she woke up really stress and its at that time that her saturation go low or stop.Thanks again for your support I think of you all i miss everyone of you, i am in need of a lot of hugs.brigGOD bless