looking in the right direction without looking back too often

During the past year I had learn a lot of things about myself. My husband and I had the great opportunity to meet really nice people that were also having the same passion as us meaning our love for God at the very beggining tho I was having big issues in my life and my relation with God was not so good. But at first we start going to a house group where we met other nice people. That was a lot different for me becaused I always stand in the shadow where no one could reach me, I have been hurt in the past and didn't want to get hurt again. Being raise that I was not allowed to speak while visitors was at home or visiting others I learn that what I will say its not important to others and did not deserve to be listen to. But with all these new people that came into my life in that short period of time I have learn that hey what I say mean a lot to them they are listening and give feed back and I trully enjoyed that time, i had cherish it. It help me to be more confident and to stand up for myself. Unfortunatly those house group doesn't exist anymore and that sadden me tremendously. I wish we could find a new house group where we meet people and share our toughts and feeling and worship the one true GOD. My husband had develop nice friendship with those he met there he even start to play music in 2 bands, for myself I got to meet 2 really cool friends both knew each other from their childhood and they are best friend forever. I wish I can related to that being able to say that I have a best friend since so long but becaused of my background i had a hard time to give myself to others. But I am now more than willing to be there for my friends that are there at this time, but I sincerely need GOD help with that since I dont want to intrude or invade them also.

That was a first and a good way to learn

For our first time yesterday we did a reptile show some member of the familly approach us if we could do that since they were having a fall festival in their church. Soo Stephane gladly accepted it. He well prepare himself with tones of information. We bring all the animal we have including the furrets and Max the chihuahua. We had over 11 type of reptiles/amphibients all together. We could say that there was at least 50-60 kids mostly between the age of 2-13 plus all the parents. Kids were curious to see them but parents was curious to have information, the even went well. That was a demonstration of about an hours, there was a bit of hands on. They seems to really enjoyed it and it was mutual. From a first experience we alway learn new things, how to proceed, what to do or not, where to implify and how to present it to other. We were happy that the weather permit us to move or reptiles/amphibients. It was a nice experience and will surrely do it again if we get approach to do it.

Oups, out of a sudden it reappear

Not so long ago I mentionned that one of my credit card was missing from my purse, and the last day I work this week I finish work to find that same card in my purse again, there it is!! I told myself. But I did learn quite a few things from that person and really thinks that God have open a door for me to listen and react. What I've learn from her is that she is a strong gambler, she gamble all the times, via internet and via poker with friend. She is way over debt. I didn't even know that you could gamble over internet and you will actually received actual money from it. She even go on the site where she gamble and show me her account at that time she was pleased to show me that she had win and waiting for a check $3000, ah yes there is only one problem did I mention her account well it was her husband account since it is, she have to tell him that she haven't stop playing since her own account was suspended per her husband request she start going on her husband account and can't cash the check becaused he have to claim it. All that to say that it make me sad to see that people this is what make them happy instead of pleasure of life, running to cheat your way to have money instead of relaying on GOD love. There is always a easy way out but its not always the good one. I am really planning to show her the way to GOD love.

Why is friendship, when you need one and rejected it

2 months ago one of my dear friend had a severe allergic reaction to latex she was already diagnose with that and had a epi pen with her which had save her life. She was at and outside activity where there was ballon hanging here and there, so she tought that those being outside might not be so bad but that was a mistake becaused with the wind latex get all over the food and eat some of it, she came at 2 fingers to die. Since then she is having a really rought time and decide to make decision and did a clean up in her life and after 6 years of friendship and seing her every week she dicide that I was part of the cleanup she no longer want to see and talk to me. I ask what i did wrong and say she don't want to talk about it. Rejection or being left out I am used to it, I have kept myself from getting close to others for many year to protect me from that since from the very beginning my mom when I was 7 left us with our dad and run away lefting us to see her whenever it please her which could be 3-4 times a year if we were lucky. But this I found it hard to deal with even tho there is missing pages to this story to end it. I understand she is going to a really rought time but I wish I could have been part of her healing process.

respect/violated

I am presently working in a man environment, we are only 5 ladies out of 35-40 mens working there. What is nice about it, is there is less hormones spears between ladies but there is a lot of testosterone which I had to deal with, this week. These mens are usually very nice and friendly in a good way, always willing to help and never forget to say hi when we cross each others path compare to ladies that it is very hard to approach and by chance they look at you, you are really not sure if they are pleased to see you or else... There is that gentleman he is so nice to me and very talkative he enjoyed joking around but this week he kind of make me really unconfortable and I felt like being violated by what he said he didn't mean to hurt me, he was just joking but that is not the type of jokes that I can tolerate. I honestly had to tell him that I can't take those type of jokes but how can you do it without being rude?

WHY...

I've been really worry about one of my close one for quite some time. At first he wasn't very talkative, realy quiet and kept to himself for most of is childhood but in the past 2 years he came out of this and it was more easier to approach and talk with him. But things seems better at the surface but not on the inside. Again at first he wasn't sharing any of it with the outsider but it came to a point where he needed to express himself in a way that not everybody understood. Sharing is inside voices might have scare so of is closed one. We've tried to approach him my husband was very closed to him and enjoyed playing music with him but unfortunatly the problem was deaper. It came to a point he needed to be hospitalise for a while to go thru a battery of test. I just want him to have is life back, to be himself he is just so lovable. I pray that GOD is with him every way of the step he have to go thru, heal him, make a miracle in is life and restore him, give him peace and quieteness in his head. That he can feel GOD being right at is side. This hole situation make me sad and hurt inside for sure that is far from what he feel inside of his head.

How hard could it be

I few years back I've met a lady she was one of my employe and we start talking to each other and do stuff together i've tough that we had develop a nice relationship/ friendship. We had a lot of ups and downs together but things were getting settle quite quickly but about 2 months ago out of the blues she stop talking to me, usually she call me every single night and I do miss her phone call, and we were going for dinner at least once a week or every 2 weeks. But 2 months ago she had suffer an allergy reaction that could have cost her life, I was really worry about that and try my best to show her that I care in the way I can demonstrated it. But since then she cut all contact with by one removing me from her friend list on msn and secondly not answering my phone call. There was one time where she did answer me but her tone of voice was very cold and dry I had ask her a couple of time if she was upset at me and say many time No why would I be but her tone was not friendlier, just before hanging up a repeat the same question telling her that if I did something wrong I would really like to know it so I can't repeat myself again, no comment from her. Everyday I hope that she will call. Why people can't be honest and fix things instead of running away from it.

STOP thinking about you is not a shame

Today I've decide that it was about time a do something nice to myself and I vote for a massage. Even tho the lady was giving me a rought massage it wasn't so bad after all. It was relaxing and stressing at the same time but I decided to let go of the stressing part and only keep the relaxing part.

living in the present time while having past memories

Just recently I got a little puppy chihuahua he is now 12 weeks old. He is a very friendly and is happy dog, he want to be hold quite often but he is also very independant when it come time to play. Sometime he stop and look at our older dog Chubby for behavior reference. CHubby is getting use to it slowly but surely. This little dog of mine bring back quite a few memories from my childwood becaused I had a dog exactly the same.

while struggling not to blame but everything show otherwise

Last week I left work realising that my credit card had desapear in my purse I remember that same morning put it back in my purse loose in the pocket, but as soon I look in my purse it wasn't there anymore, nothing was taking from it that was the only thing loose. So I feel terrible but there is only one person that I could think of that have might take it but at the same time I am in betrayal since she is very nice to me. But there is no one else that have access to my purse since I leave it in the office where she work just beside her desk usually I am there with her but that day I had a lot to do elsewhere and I left my purse there. First thing I done the next morning after making sure I hadn't put it anywhere else I call to report a stolen card. Since then I don't bring my purse inside or I remove all important stuff from it. But today I was working in and out of her office, but there is one time I came back walkin the office and haven't seen me arriving lifting up her head she quickly put something a card ... a credit card in her purse same color as mine.. really akward moment I didn't know what to say' i didn't want to loose whatever we got between us.

Thanksgiving weekend

Here is a description of our thanksgiving week-end in the Gauthier's familly. Friday kids went to their youth group when my husband and I went to sushi can to get dinner HUMMY HUMMY it was nice having a bit of time together. The boys are gone until sunday evening so we are planning a bit of rest too for this week-end. Saturday we spend the day with our nepheew since it was is birthday we went at the movie see beverly hill chihuahua after that we went at the Gauthier for dinner. Sunday it was church time, lunch at wendy's and back home. I had prepare a nice thanksgiving dinner for us, I would had wanted my sister familly over but they had other plan :( Monday early breakfast with my sis in law and her husband and Mark at gabs. Stephane had a music practice during that time I went to see my mom at my sister place where she now live. Back home I decide to bake a cream of turkey thai style which was really delicious here is the recipe.

3 table spoon Melted butter
1/4 cup flour
2 cup of mach potatoes
green onion
1 cup coconut flake
3 slice of pinapple
3 cup turkey thinly dice
3 cup of water
6 cup of milk
Spice ( salt/pepper/garlic salt/sariette/tabasco/soya sauce)

some step are harder than other

Today was good in the sense that doctor told us that they might remove the ventilator and her tubes tomorrrow we were so happy my sister and I but my mom was really discourage we could see it in the past day but today she was more awake than usually the discouragement was palpable. A few time she was looking us directly into our eyes and just stop breathing for a few second. My sister and I come to the conclusion that it was time we come clean with her and tell her that if she want to quite the fight it is ok we understand but if she keep fighting she have to do it for herself. My mom is always a quiter she is not a fighter, she get discourage a very little thing and this is a huge battle for her. She was reallyskinny before and now she is skinnier. When it was my time to talk to her I explain everything how she is the best mom and that I am not upset at her for the type of childhood I had and that if she want a go its ok becaused when we were asking her if she want to keep fighter she was doing no with her head. After all that I said well if you decide to fight for yourself tomorrow is the day they will remove the tubing in your mom you should have seen the smile she made I couldn't believe my eye she was laughting of joy and at that time she took all her strengh to bring her head where I was so I can kiss her. I felt better. Now I keep my finger cross so she can pass thru the night and that they remove all tubing in her mouth. I love you maman!!!!!

little progress

In the last week we haven't had one good new. It was a bad new after the other. My mom went under surgery to have a valve and arteries replace with new one since there was a huge blockage. She was put on a ventilator on the 18th, and then they told us a bunch of bad news, that one she had other arteries blockage, her lung are really sick and that she got a bacterie that stop the medications to do their work. On top of that she was having panick attach quite often during the day and night. For 2 days we've stop going in her room becaused everytime she was feeling a movement in room she was getting these panick attack again. Doctor keep changing the anxiety medication to find the right one that will make her more relax. Yesterday was a better day, they reduce the ventilator so she can breath on her own, so every breath she take its her taking them if she need to be assist then the machine wil do it. She react well to this new step. They also say that when they listen to her lung its better, she is not out of the wood yet but she improve bit by bit. We were also able to enter in her room without putting her in distress. I was happy to be at her bedside her blood was going high but as high in the past days, and I was able to calm her down. At one point I tought she was sleeping and was getting ready to leave that she started lifting up her head in search for me so it was nice to see her following me with her eyes until I reach her bed. I love her so much and realised I much in need her in my life. Its sad that it take a moment like that to realise this.

what a mistake I've made

A few weeks back I had delete my blog and realised right after doing it that, that was a really dumb and stupid mistake. I guess I was getting discourage to open my heart in my blog and no one reply to it. In the mean time I really hurt my friend who had design my blog for me and that wasn't the idea at all, doing the step I've done, I haven't think about anything else then myself. My blog was more a journal to me and realise that either way if people reply or not I need the blog for myself. I wish I could have retrieved my old blog without the text to make this fresh but unfortunatly that is not possible. I am so sorry that i have hurt a really good friend.

my mom update

Hi everyone its been a while i haven't given any update on my mom status and since you have prayed for her I owe that to you all. The past couple of days have been really hard. My mom was intubated on Thursday becaused her saturation (oxigene in her heart) was going to low or ever not going at all so there was really stressful moment at first with the intubation she wasn't breathing by herself at all just to give her some rest but now the ventilator take 18 breath for her and with the help of the ventilator she take 3-5 breath on her own which is not to bad, they also lower the amount of oxigene they give at first it was 60% and now its 35%. She is completly sedated so she sleep most of the time. On the first to days they also paralyse all her muscles in her body so she can stop the ventilator to do they job, it was really hard to see her like that. We were talking to her and she was moving her eyebrown to our voice. The day after she was a little more awake so she was responding yes or no with her head, sad thing is that even with her eyes open she couldn.t see us at all, becaused of all the medication I presume. SInce then we had bad new after the other, her lung have a cronic disease that most smoker have which mean that she might need oxigene most of herthe rest of her life, she also have other atheries blockage from one side of her shoulder down to her heart, and now she is also struggling with diabetese and since sunday they discover that she have a new bactery call sarm what that bactery do in her case is that its obstruct the medication to do is job and becaused of that they have to give her prescription for this bactery and find a new dosage for all the rest of her medication. SO she is supposed to be on the ventilator until at least wednesday or Thursday.I had a little issue with my sister, my mom in law wanted to come and pray for our mom to be healed and she complitely refuse that we went in the room praying GOD, since my familly, my uncle and aunt all believed in the saint and dead people, telling me that in the last resource if its not going better we will ask HIM to heal her. I keep it short but let her know that the saint and dead people can,t heal , the only one who can heal is GOD. IF the saint can hear us they will go to GOD to ask healing but why as children of GOD we don't go directly to him asking it ourself. What hurt me in this is that they bring all type of idols and attach it to her for the healing and I can't pray the only one true GOD. SO this is another prayer request they their heart can be open to hear GOD voice and let him do is job. Please pray that she can stay calm and peace in her heart becaused she woke up really stress and its at that time that her saturation go low or stop.Thanks again for your support I think of you all i miss everyone of you, i am in need of a lot of hugs.brigGOD bless